Baiq's Dairy

Once, I belief in myself I thought I can be anything Go wherever I want to be Easily without a drop of blood Now, I am standing in the edge Knowing nothing about the future Afraid of the uncertainty Depressed Feel like everything is over I don’t know anything about my heart My brain talks about something else I am no longer a king of myself Doubt and fear raging inside my body I don’t know who I am Or maybe I never know I am just pretending To look strong and independent I am wearing a mask Without my own permission To hide the weak and the ugly of me

No, I’m wrong This feeling is not a relief This is a torture I pretend to be strong But it keeps me in a vain The guilty The ashamed How can I lift my face when I am back? I don’t want to explain my situation to anybody I don’t want their judgement I just want to be alone Inside my curfew Staying like nothing is wrong Well, I know I’m bad But what else I can do My youth is shattered with my stupidity All of my imagination is gone Hitting the bottom rock of my life I do want to stay positive Belief everything will be okay eventually But, my heart is not ready yet The selfish me want someone to blame The selfish me want me, myself to stay depressed Mocking the failure before me

I try to close my eyes Deluding myself Everything is fine The world is smiling Nothing bad happened to us The selfish me always looking for an escape The easy life The happy path But, deep down there, I know my place I recognize the trouble I experienced the anxiety My chest is heavy with worries The oxygen in my brain seems limited But, that’s not the case The nurse is smirking Saying I’m okay Nothing troubled with my body Stop looking for an excuse I think I know myself I know my best and my worst But people saying different things about me They describe someone unfamiliar So, who is me Who am I Does someone else live in my body unknowingly Someone who interact the most with people outside